Football Daily | Yearning for bin bags, vomit and pre-season sprints up sand dunes

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Clubs have returned for pre-season at shiny training complexes out in the sticks with perfect pitches, large gym facilities, fitness coaches and sports scientists. Soon they will be whisked off for tours to lovely sunny countries, getting themselves ready for the start of the campaign. We are shown them in professional settings, looking happy to be back at work and without an ounce of extra fat picked up from a summer of excess. Show-offs. Fun-loving social media disgrace types lap up this coverage as their heroes show off new branded gear sponsored by companies with names like [email protected], so they can tell rivals that their club have the fittest players in the league. Football Daily even saw some actual footballers in the hotel gym at 8am in the morning (as we trudged ingloriously back from a night out).

If anyone had forgotten about the merciless passage of time, there was Rochdale (yesterday’s Football Daily) using Phoenix Nights as a way of unveiling a player. According to Wikipedia, the final episode aired in September 2002, a month before the player they were unveiling, Kwaku Oduroh, was born. I’d like to see this happen more often: a club could use Fawlty Towers to take the edge off announcing they’ve appointed, say, Michael Owen as their new manager” – Ed Taylor.

It would be remiss of me not to draw attention to the no-expense-spared unveiling of the mighty Killie’s star striker Kyle Vassell during the last transfer window. Villarreal can stick their sleight of hand, the Scottish Premiership is where the real magic happens” – Stephen Black.

Bus stop ads in north London have been adorned with Declan Rice’s phizzog, weeks before his signing for that lot down the road. He and his Mr 15% are shilling a certain dessert with the slogan ‘Rice Rice Baby’. Seems someone missed a trick by not signing ageing rent-a-quote Thomas Müller as part of the package” – Trevor Matthews [he does have previous – Daily Ed].

‘Go Hannah Go!’ reads the giant cardboard sign that greets Hannah Dingley at her first Forest Green match (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition). For heaven’s sake, give her a chance” – Adrian Riley.

I’m surprised no one’s used the phrase ‘smashing the grass ceiling’ for Hannah Dingley’s admirable appointment at Forest Green” – Paddy Viner (and no other wannabe headline writers).

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