I’m angry that my mum was always so absent. How can I find peace?

You are carrying a grudge and it isn’t surprising, but I suspect that beneath your hurt and pain lies a great sadness

The question I was an only child with my mum as a breadwinner and my grandmother as my main carer. From the age of three, I was frequently sent to live with my grandmother in France and I might not see my mother for months at a time. There was a three-year period when I only saw her once. Mum had various boyfriends, who were all prioritised over me. She was always distracted by something else – finding love, worrying about money and so on. She lived on a diet of cigarettes, black coffee and wine. She was lonely and I felt ashamed for not being enough to fill that void.

Now, as a mum of two young children, I find myself being eaten up with resentment at her approach to being a grandmother. I have desperately needed support at times, but had very little. After the birth of my second child she promised to stay for two weeks, but she only managed five days. I had to go back to work and offered to pay her to look after the kids one day a week, but she refused. This makes me so angry – my grandmother gave her space to focus on her career and now my mum won’t do anything to support me to do the same. Mum also promised a deposit for a house. I asked for this when I had my family, but she spent it all on a huge house in an expensive area, while I was living in a leaky council flat.

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