I haven’t had sex with my partner since his affair. We still share a bed – but I want more

I deserve a love life, whether it’s with him or someone else. How can I get over the way he’s treated me?

My partner and I have been together for more than 20 years. We loved each other and our sex life was hot, romantic, spontaneous and consistent – until three years ago, when it stopped. I would try to initiate sex, but he would freeze up. Eventually, I found out from my best friend that he had been having an affair with her cousin “for years”. I felt humiliated and confused, then devastated and enraged. I confronted him and he said he felt trapped by me and that his friendship with this other woman turned romantic. We still live together and sleep in the same bed. Our relationship is as it always has been, except without sex. Most of the time I wish we could go back to how things used to be, if that is even possible. I can’t deal with being rejected and I’m not sure if I can get him being with someone else out of my mind. I want a sex life. If it’s with him, great. If not, I hope to meet the right person, who I am attracted to, and start a new, full life. Now we both seem to be comfortable living as roommates.

In every relationship there exists some kind of contract, usually one that is unspoken. We consider the things we expect, enjoy, dislike and resent within that relationship and decide whether we want to be in it. When things change, the balance is upset and one or both partners begins to reconsider the value of staying. Some people simply accept negative aspects such as inconsiderate behaviour, lack of sex or disloyalty. The reason can be related to feeling trapped financially, not wanting to disrupt children’s lives or being afraid of starting again. On the one hand, you say you are both comfortable living as roommates, but on the other hand you are really miserable and longing for a loving partner – and he probably is too. Don’t wait too long to decide or act. Sadly, he has withdrawn from you and I very much doubt things can be restored the way you want. Unless there is a very good reason to stay, move on and seek the happiness you deserve.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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