Football transfer rumours: West Ham to move for Leon Goretzka?

Yes, yes, yes, ice cream and today’s gossip so good

It’s been a decade, so some is probably due, but the Mill is concerned that Manchester United are perpetrating what looks befuddlingly like competence. First, they identified, negotiated for and then bought Mason Mount, then they agreed a deal with Internazionale for André Onana – Fugees, Rihanna and Peggy Gou terrace anthems included – and now will turn their focus to Rasmus Højlund. Most disquietingly of all, these are players they need, not players that besuited chipmunks believe they can monetise; how they capitulate from here is sure to delight soccer-lovers everywhere.

United are also looking to divest themselves of numerous individuals. After the roaring success of their Jesse Lingard signing, Nottingham Forest are interested in Anthony Elanga, having presumably assumed his box-jumping prowess relates to the area 18 yards from goal, and will also, if the clubs can agree a fee, sign Dean Henderson. He is keen on the move but also expects that Real Madrid and Barcelona will soon decide a vaguely acceptable keeper with a baseball hat covalently bonded to his head is exactly what they need.