Stars on Mars: the celebs go to space show we didn’t know we needed

An absurd new reality show that puts stars such as Lance Armstrong and McLovin in fake space is a surprising winner

Klaxons sound and red lights flash inside a Martian base as a celebrity delegation takes residence. Apparently, the last member of their 12-person crew had a hard landing on the red rocks and is now trapped inside a capsule that’s fast losing oxygen. Speeding into action on an eight-wheel rover, a two-person rescue team scrambles to the distressed vehicle in time, but find themselves against the clock again when Ronda Rousey breaks the handle trying to open the capsule’s glass door. “Oh shit,” exclaims Lance Armstrong.

Honestly? It’s fine. A bit of pawing brings the sliding door down easily; inside, the disabled crew member is still very much alive and kicking. “Who is it?” roars Beast Mode, AKA the NFL great Marshawn Lynch, from base control.

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