My sister made a racist joke. Now we have a family rift | Ask Philippa

In that situation, label the joke, but don’t label the person. Anyone is going to get defensive if they are labelled

The question During a family meal my eldest sister made a xenophobic joke. I told her she was a racist and that I felt like leaving. She was angry and affronted. She denied being racist and said her joke was just a clever play on words. I was upset, but was persuaded to stay as I didn’t want it to ruin the day. However, my sister and I have not spoken since.

When we were growing up, my sister and I got on well, so this isn’t part of an ongoing competitive dynamic or anything, but these days there are fundamental political differences between us – she has stayed at home, whereas I have travelled widely and now live in a more cosmopolitan area. Despite this, we usually rub along well and I do want to heal this rift, but I don’t know how.

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