‘At 45, I grieved the idea of motherhood. Then, by pure fluke, I was pregnant’

After miscarriages and IVF, I decided I was done. A few days later, I found out I was expecting, and the beautiful dismantling of my old life began

Five days before I turned 46, I gave birth to my first child: a small, solemn-faced boy with enormous eyes, and ears like tiny coracles. For weeks I could not name him; to reduce this feeling to a single word seemed impossible.

Any birth feels something like magic, but to become a mother at this age has felt astonishing; a dove drawn from my sleeve, the ace of hearts pulled from behind my ear. But it has come, too, with a certain intricacy. Older motherhood is not the most straightforward experience, and it elicits reactions that may be variously amazed or appalled or at the very least complicated.

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