Everything’s fine but somehow I feel I can never settle

What is it in you that is so difficult to sit with, asks Philippa Perry

The question I’m in my mid-50s. I’m very lucky and grateful for all the great people and beings in my life. I have wonderful, pretty much grown-up children, and generally a good relationship with their father (we were together for a short time only, long enough, and never married). I have a close relationship with my boyfriend, a rewarding job and good health. I have the use of several houses. However, I cannot settle. I seem to need to move every couple of years. It’s not as though I like doing houses up either; I don’t. I am about to move again for what seem like perfectly good reasons. One of the reasons for my last move was because the garden was too small, and a factor in this latest move is that the garden is too much to manage – so I am beginning to see that the reasons I come up with might not be my only motive to move again. But I just wonder why I can’t seem to settle anywhere, and I feel I should.

Philippa’s answer When I hear the word “should” I usually get psychotherapy clients to play around with swapping it for “could” or “choose not to” to find out what they really mean by it. “Should” can make us feel trapped, which can stir the inner rebel to indulge in a bit of self-sabotage.

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