How can I end a strained friendship as gently as possible? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

Your friend may have the capacity to change and needs someone on her side to help – but you could consider distancing yourself for a while

During university, I became close friends with a girl who I had a lot in common with. She is very loyal, a great listener, and used to be a fun companion. She has been supportive of me in tough times.

Yet over time, I realised she has other, difficult qualities: she has no boundaries and asks deeply personal, often invasive questions. She casts frequent judgment on the decisions of others, is conflict-prone and has a hard time apologising afterwards. This comes from the family dynamic she learned growing up.

A number of people have ended friendships with her. Each of these hurt her deeply. At the time, I felt she deserved the chance to grow and change. I suggested therapy could help with her relationship issues, but she stopped going almost immediately.

We’ve reached our 30s, and she may never change. In fact, things have got worse. She’s been fired from multiple jobs, lost most of her friends. She has moved back in with her family and that has exacerbated her unhappiness. The two of us went on a holiday together recently and I was miserable; I pushed back on her constant complaining and cruel comments about others, and we left on a tense note.

I don’t want to invest more time in this friendship, but I want to end it with as much kindness as possible. I recently moved to another country; we talk less and I hardly see her, but she wants to visit next year, and she expects to be invited to my wedding. I don’t want to manage her on my wedding day or risk her starting a conflict. Sadly, I don’t want her there at all.

I could let the friendship fade quietly and not send a wedding invitation, but I don’t like the idea of ghosting her. Or I could wait until she asks to visit, and then have the hard conversation. Another idea is to be proactive and reach out now. What’s the right way to do this? What should I say?

It would be an ideal world, in some ways, if we could be completely honest with people but then we seldom factor in what they might want to say to us.

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