‘I felt myself split into before and after’: how giving birth triggered a life-changing illness

Having a baby led to an unexpected disease and then surgery that altered Lauren Bensted’s body for ever. She talks about the pain she felt in being separated from her newborn, and her journey to learn to accept her new life

“We’re going to have to disconnect you,” says the man at my bedside. Since I was hospitalised a fortnight ago, this man and his team have been trying to save my colon, a 5ft-long tangle of ulcers and inflammation. The speed and scale of my colon’s fury has fascinated doctors. I imagine them in their morning meetings, poring over my colonoscopy with the mystification usually reserved for the Voynich manuscript. But time is up. Unless they “disconnect” me, my bowel will perforate and I will die.

Disconnection, explains the doctor, involves whipping the whole colon out – here he mimes pulling a rabbit from a hat – and diverting my digestion through a hole in my abdomen called a stoma. He sketches my new anatomy on a piece of paper, quick as a high-street caricaturist. He cannot imagine what it is like to receive this news – to hear your body will change for ever and with it your whole life too – just as I cannot imagine what it is to break it. I want to grab his hand, ask him how. How does a body give birth to a healthy baby and then burst into flames?