I have a generous new sexual partner – but I can’t get him to climax. Am I failing him?

He has no erectile problems, and says he is happy to see me orgasm, but I feel guilty. Even oral sex doesn’t work

I have a new partner who is extremely generous in bed but, as yet, I have not been able to get him to climax. He is almost 64, well endowed and has no erectile problems. I guess it is all very new and he says he is happy seeing me climax, but I feel as if I am failing him. I love oral sex, but even that hasn’t worked. Any suggestions?

You are not responsible for him climaxing, especially since he has made it clear that he does not expect you to be. Some men have fundamental problems with delayed climax. Eventually, he may feel safe enough to let you know exactly what he needs from you to help him finish, but now it would be best simply to enjoy receiving pleasure without putting pressure on him to satisfy your need to make him climax. You could consider asking exactly what type of stimulation he might enjoy in the moment, and it is often best to give choices. During manual stimulation, for example, you could say: “Would you like me to do this more or less firmly, faster or more slowly, in a different place, with a different type of stroke?” “What feels better … this? Or this?” And perhaps you could use an erotic approach to get him to show you how he pleasures himself, which always yields important information.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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