I have cancer. How can I stop my anger from engulfing me? | Ask Philippa

Remember that your anger is on your side. It is a useful emotion

The question I am a 42-year-old woman about to undergo a mastectomy to treat breast cancer. I’m increasingly feeling what I think is anger, which has always been a difficult emotion for me to experience in myself. In the past I’ve squashed it down and turned it inwards, resulting in a low mood. However, I feel as if I’m about to have a reckoning with anger. It’s coming for me. My usual coping mechanism for negative emotions is shaking them out of my body by running, but I won’t be able to do that for a while. I feel I’ll need to go through the anger and come out the other side, but I am afraid. I know the fear and the anger are connected. I worry about the effect anger will have on me, as the only angry woman tropes I know are negative ones. More than that, though, I worry about loved ones as I don’t want my anger to scare them, making me the one they must walk on eggshells around. What I want to know is how to recognise and experience my anger in a healthy way, so I can chip away at it, rather than risk it building up and engulfing me.

Philippa’s answer Society has long imposed a double standard where women are expected to suppress their anger while being allowed to show sadness or vulnerability. Men, meanwhile, are granted permission to be angry, but discouraged from showing sadness or tears. Even though we intellectually understand that these stereotypes are outdated, they still linger, influencing our relationship with these emotions. Anger is often stigmatised, particularly in women, where expressions of it are seen as shameful. Don’t let this stigmatisation get you down. Anger is a completely valid and natural response in the face of what you are enduring. From your longer letter that I needed to cut for space reasons, it sounds like you had a terrible role model in your childhood when it came to learning how to channel anger in productive and non-harmful ways. This has made you see anger as only a bad thing. Change your relationship to your anger.

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