I recently got sober – and have stopped enjoying sex with my husband

We used to have sex while drunk or hungover, but now I realise his foreplay is rough and he doesn’t have good rhythm. How can we improve our emotional and physical connection?

I got married nearly a year ago to a man who is supportive and kind. I have also been sober for the past four months and realised in that time that I don’t actually enjoy my husband’s moves in bed. We used to have sex while drunk or hungover, so I didn’t notice as much, but I don’t really enjoy his foreplay, as he is quite rough and doesn’t have good rhythm. I try to tell him: “That hurts,” or: “Do this,” but he gets upset easily and we get frustrated and annoyed. I asked him to pay for the website OMGYes to learn some new moves, which he did, but he hasn’t looked at it. Now I find myself avoiding sex with him, or playing with my vibrator as foreplay instead of allowing him to touch my clitoris. He is fine about me using my vibrator, but it feels difficult to connect emotionally when that happens. I love sex and want to connect, emotionally and physically, but I don’t want to pretend that things feel good when they don’t.

“New moves” aren’t necessarily your moves. It is important to gently and patiently help him to understand what you need without making him feel inadequate.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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