Motherhood has changed my wife’s body – and I’m no longer attracted to her

I love her very much, and think she is beautiful, but I sometimes struggle to get an erection when we’re making love. What can I do? I worry for our marriage

I’m 39 and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have a four-year-old and another baby on the way. I love her very much, but ageing and being a mother has taken its toll on her body. I struggle to feel sexually attracted to her, even though I think she is beautiful. On some occasions, I’ve failed to get an erection when we have tried to make love, and she gets angry and frustrated with me. Despite trying, we have not had sex since she became pregnant with our second child, as I can’t manage it. I don’t know what I can do to get the spark back but I worry for our marriage.

Thank you for your frankness. Many people will find what you have written deeply abhorrent, but, in fact, what you have said illustrates something that many men experience but are afraid to express. It is an unpleasant and unpalatable fact that any change in a partner’s appearance – particularly for those who are visually attuned – can cause a shift in physical attraction.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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