My best mate lies to me and sticks to his guns when I challenge him | Ask Philippa

Recognise lying not as a moral failing but as a coping mechanism, suggests Philippa Perry, and make it clear your intention is to understand and support your friend

The question I met my best mate 10 years ago and we’ve been sharing a house for five years. He’s great – funny, loyal, kind, enterprising – but, over the years, I’ve noticed he embellishes things, sometimes just to be funny, or to get sympathy. He’ll tell an anecdote and I’ll know things didn’t go the way he told it. Or he’ll say he’s got five projects on the go and I’ll know for a fact it’s just two. He’ll also pretend he doesn’t drink, eat meat or smoke, depending on who we’re with and, of course, I know he does all three.

Everyone exaggerates at some point, so it hasn’t worried me too much, but sometimes he’ll tell what I consider to be a more serious lie. In terms of housework, I do all the cleaning. I’ve brought up chore division a couple of times and he insists he does clean, he just does it while I’m out, so I don’t see it. I would know immediately if I came home and something had been cleaned, however sloppily.