My husband had an affair 45 years ago. It still bothers me | Ask Philippa

You’re still thinking about it because you weren’t given a proper explanation

The question I have been married to the same man for years. However, I keep going over what happened 45 years ago when my husband had an affair. I was in my 20s with four young children and I was young and naive. It took a long time for me to get over it. It’s only recently that I’ve asked him about it. He says he was flattered that someone was interested. Why do I still have it at the back of my mind? Can you please let me know why?

Philippa’s answer It’s still in your mind because you haven’t had a decent explanation from him – his explanation of feeling flattered doesn’t really cover it – and so there are unanswered questions. If you haven’t got an agreement to have an open relationship, when a partner is unfaithful it can be devastating. And memories don’t necessarily get laid down in date order with the furthest away event disappearing into the distance like a dot. Traumatic events can still feel as big as they ever were, so why wouldn’t you be turning it over in your mind all these years later? It is completely normal to do this.

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