My mum’s depression drags me down. I feel I need to stay away | Ask Philippa

Set boundaries – block her number for periods so you don’t spend your days in dread and give her a contact for the Samaritans

The question My 60-year-old mum has had depression all her life, which has had a profound impact on our family. Since her parents died from Covid, she’s been her worst ever. She doesn’t eat, has panic attacks, cries all the time, is hateful towards everyone, tries to turn everyone against each other and has frequent tantrums. But she refuses to get any help. She won’t take medication nor seek therapy. And I’m exhausted. I dread seeing her number on my phone. My dad is thinking of leaving and, if he does, I’m afraid of what will happen to her. My parents retired to a rural village three hours’ drive from my life.

Her mum (my gran) was also depressed and barely left the house after the age of 65, until she died at 90. She became dependent on my mother and it took a huge toll on her – she essentially became her carer for 25 years. Mum is now going the same way and seems to expect the same treatment from me. But I don’t want history to repeat itself.

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