My wife rarely instigates sex – and always wants to schedule it. Why can’t she be more spontaneous?

She says I think about sex all the time – but her libido has fallen since our third child and I feel shame at being rejected

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My wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years. We have three children and love each other dearly. We are a good team 99% of the time, but we regularly argue about our differing libido levels. I feel she doesn’t instigate sex very much and that when she does it’s with messages like: “Shall we have a 3pm ‘meeting’ before the kids come home?” I prefer it to be more spontaneous, like after she’s had a few glasses of wine and suddenly becomes more racy. I’ve let her know how exciting her racy mode is for me, but I don’t want to encourage her to become an alcoholic. She feels that I think about sex all the time and that I am not accepting of her feeling tired or not being in the mood.

After a recent argument, we agreed we have different libido levels. She said she felt hers had gone down, especially after our last child was born. I’m conscious that neither of us need to be “fixed”, but equally I struggle with being the instigator most of the time and with the intense shame and rejection I feel when she says no. I don’t want her to feel forced into anything; I want her to feel comfortable with me. She says she enjoys sex with me, but doesn’t always feel that her body is sexy, something I very much disagree with.