Our place is a mess, but my partner and I still can’t agree who does which chores | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

The withholding of anything on purpose – sex, money, housework – is about control. Might your domestics reflect other underlying tensions?

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader

My partner H and I have been together for almost five years, and have lived together for about a year. We have a strong and healthy relationship, and although we often light-heartedly bicker we make up quickly and rarely ever have serious arguments.

I do not claim to be a tidy housemate: I am terrible at leaving clothes, keys, shopping all over the place, and often will leave the washing up for a day or two. H is a fantastic cook and stays on top of the laundry, but for other chores – namely cleaning the kitchen, washing up and taking out the bins – he is useless. He puts off these chores to the point that it makes the house difficult to be in (no clean plates, stinking rubbish bin etc), and if I ask him to do it, he can quickly snap, or worse, shut me out and be in a mood for the rest of the day. He argues that he does things in his own time, but his “own time” can be days, often to the point where I give in and wash up or take the bin out myself, which just feels unfair.