Should I stay with my partner – despite the dull, dispassionate sex?

I don’t need to swing from the rafters, but I do need something more than moderately paced sex in the missionary position …

I’m a 30-year-old man who met my current partner about eight months ago. I was quite taken with her at first, but, as time has gone on, a few things have been eating away at me. Our sex is dull, dispassionate and unadventurous, mostly just moderately paced missionary. She tells me it’s the “best she’s ever had”, which has left me dumbstruck. And on two social occasions her friends, while inebriated, confirmed her feelings about our lovemaking. I have tried to speak to her about spicing things up, but although I’m not exactly wanting to swing from the rafters, she tells me that she “loves the way we do it” and that she “isn’t interested in more exotic positions”.

Moreover, I have started to find other aspects of our relationship just as upsetting. When I suggest date ideas or activities we can do together, she will tell me that she just wants to “spend time with me”, which translates to a night at home watching TV. When we first started dating, we would go out to eat, catch a movie, visit local parks for walks, and so on.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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