We all want to cut out the bad parts of ourselves. It won’t work, and it won’t make us happier

Trauma, vulnerability, dependency … like it or not, we can’t just wish them away

When I was a little girl, I cried a lot. I used to wish ferociously that I was not such a crybaby. I remember the shame so well. Sitting on my bed on a Sunday evening, hot-cheeked and furious with my tears, holding on to the thought that when I was a grownup, I would never cry. I would be a strong, confident and capable woman, and I would never again feel like a sobbing little girl who doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow and just wants to stay with her mum. I hated that part of myself and I desperately wanted to get rid of it. That is what a better life meant to me back then.

Since becoming a psychotherapist, I have seen this kind of wish at play in patient after patient – and I’ve continued to see it in myself as a patient in therapy, too. It seems to be a pretty ubiquitous desire, although we are not always aware of it: this wish and even belief that if we just try hard enough, if we can find the magic self-help book or therapist or personal trainer or Instagram filter, we will truly be able to get rid of the parts of ourselves we feel ashamed of, or hate, or don’t want to acknowledge.

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